"I'm sorry, sir. The poodle can go on board with you, but you'll have to check the axe and the pool cue."

As some of you already know, I'm travelling to Philadelphia/Delaware tomorrow for a job interview. What many of you might NOT know is that this is the first time I will be on an airplane or inside an airport since before 9/11. So, in order to be as prepared as possible, I recently visited the website for Pittsburgh International Airport to check out security guidelines, info for carry-ons and the like. I quickly navigated to the security tips section of the site and found all the standard stuff along with some things that were pretty amusing.

Let's start with the standard, even pre-9/11 question that everyone that flies is asked. "Sir/Ma'am, has anyone that you don't know asked you to carry anything on board the flight?" How many things are wrong with this question?? If you look at it from the point of view of someone who happens to be a terrorist and is hoping to wreak havoc on the airplane, I hardly think Mahmood (yes....I'm profiling.....get over it) is going to say, "well, the dude that gave me the underwear bomb is someone from a cell I never worked with before, so, yes...". On the flipside, if you look at it from the point of view of an innocent traveller, you've gotta question whether this person is smart enough to even buy an airline ticket if he's allowing complete strangers to give him items to take on the plane. Is this question REALLY necessary?? (To be fair, I spoke with someone in the airline industry, and he did give me some examples of how this question could be helpful to ask.)

Progressing past that question, I then found a list of things that were acceptable and unacceptable to pack in your carry-on for inside the plane. Many were self-explanatory and made a lot of sense, and you would expect to see them on the list as the assumption is that at some point, someone tried to take one of these things onto a plane. Examples here would be "all guns and rifles", "automatic weapons", and "knives". However, as I looked farther down the list, I began to wonder if the FAA is trying to be pre-emptive, or if people are really historically bringing these items onto planes:

• axes - c'mon.....there's really THAT many lumberjacks that actually are flying places?
• baseball bats/cricket bats - as many of you know, I'm a HUGE baseball fan, but even I can take a multi-hour flight without feeling the need to start a pick-up sandlot-style game in the middle of the plane. I wonder if I can at least bring my glove and play catch in the aisle with one of the flight attendants?
• bows and arrows - is there really a need to practice your archery skills at 30,000 feet? Furthermore, does anyone NOT on an Olympic archery team actually OWN a bow and arrow?
• dog repellant spray - this one confused me a little, as "pets" were mentioned as items that actually WERE approved to bring as a carry-on. So....the guy sitting in 11B can bring his man-eating pit bull with him, but I can't have a little, tiny bottle of dog repellant spray, just in case?
• dynamite/plastic explosives - I'm sorry, but I actually disagree with this one. If someone is going to bring explosives onto an airplane, I don't want them down in the cargo hold where no one can see them....I want them right there in first class where they can be properly monitored. Do the airlines actually think that the dynamite will do less damage if it explodes in your checked luggage, as opposed to your carry-on?
• hammers/screwdrivers/portable power drills/portable power saws - Darn! I was planning on finishing that addition to my kitchen during my "down-time" on the flight.
• hockey sticks - see "baseball bats/cricket bats", but pretend I said I liked hockey instead of baseball
• pool cues - I can live with this one because a) I don't play pool, and 2) unless you're flying on Air Force One, I mean, c'mon....is there really gonna be a pool table??
  
• road flares - is there REALLY a problem with people trying to bring these as a carry-on item? Can you think of ANY possible reason for having this with you on the plane? If my plane breaks down en route, I really doubt my biggest concern is going to be putting flares out to warn other planes to slow down and go around.
• ski poles - I've been on some flights where it was pretty cold in the cabin, but does it really get cold enough to SKI???
• tear gas – so, you mean to tell me that if I swing by the airport gift shop and pick up a jug of tear gas AFTER I’ve already checked my luggage, I’m out of luck, and I can’t take it with me??

Now, obviously, I'm just having a little fun with this list, as I can certainly understand the reasoning behind not allowing these items on an airplane. It's just that I come from the school of common sense, and common sense tells you that even if you are travelling with items from that list, that you shouldn't try to take them to your seat with you.

On a serious note, please keep me in mind, and, if applicable, in your prayers as I head to this interview tomorrow. I'm really getting tired of this unemployment gig, and am extremely anxious to get back to work, wherever that may be, and once again resume my life as a productive member of society. And oh yeah, pray that I can get my carcass out of bed on time for my 6:40 am flight! I'll report back on Friday as to how things went, unless I'm in jail for smuggling dog poo or some other contraband onto the plane.